Comedy Fest: Whitney Cummings love cherries

WhitneyCummingsGuys don’t light candles at home to be romantic, they do it because they’re farting.

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What would pornography for women be like? Two hours of cuddling, and then the guy proposes to her afterwards!

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She’s on a motherhood trip now. “Why don’t we give kids names that they can use in the real world? Not names like Princess. Guys can only think of giving their kids sports names like “Champ”.

Sports metaphors are all that guys to relate to: “Getting to first base.”

And guys show solidarity with their sports teams on TV. “Oh, we beat ’em tonight.” As if the LA Lakers need you! That would be like we women watching Greys Anatomy wearing our doctors scrubs!

All guys love are sports and porn ….. thanks to high-speed DSL.

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Whitney on women giving birth (a female friend insisted on showing Whitney her birth video): “so many things come out after the baby …. there goes a jellyfish …. scary, like Blair Witch project. …. I’m thinking of giving birth just to find my car keys!”

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Women aren’t taught real-world practical skills, Whitney jokes. Last time she bought gasoline, she filled her car with Diesel. All the guys groan, and the girls say, “Huh, so?”

Girl Scouts teach us to go door-to-door in short skirts and sell cookies, that we didn’t even make. All that teaches us as adults is how to be hookers. …. Whereas guys get to learn to be Eagle Scouts, how to start fires and tie knots. Practical stuff.

A lull in the crowd. “Just keep in mind, I’m doing this act while digesting like 700 cherries.”

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WhitneyCummings2Breaking down relationship psychology. This lady’s funny. Women aren’t allowed to admit to going through their guy’s wallet, even it yields his crush on Julie from the Cheesecake Factory.

“You know your last relationship was a bad one when even reminiscing about it is no fun.”

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Whitney is going off on strippers …. and guys who want their ladies emotionally unattached and dependent on their paychecks.

She’s ripping off one-liners without taking a breath between jokes. Impressive.

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Whitney says she’s eaten 3,000 pounds of cherries during her Traverse City visit, and is gonna puke any second. Now that would be entertaining.

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I’m live blogging the Whitney Cummings — Jeff Garlin act at the State Theatre tonight, so please refresh this window to follow their jokes.

/by