The New Gold: Sand from Sleeping Bear Dunes a Hot Commodity on Global Markets
From staff reports
Golden, mineral-rich grains of sand from Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore are commanding top dollar on a growing international market that has attracted the lust and the pocketbooks of mining tycoons and marketeers, Saudi royals and French models.
During Paris Fashion Week yesterday, models were seen dabbing grains of Sleeping Bear sand onto their eyebrows. Meanwhile, in Riyadh, Saudi royals spread out picnic blankets on sand imported from the western shore of Michigan as they watched camel racing. And at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, test tubes of dark blue water from the depths of Big Glen Lake on top of golden yellow Sleeping Bear beach sand were auctioned off—with bidding starting at $1,000—to benefit the effort in Ukraine.
The bold market venture started this winter when Las Vegas businessman Helton Paris III, began digging out sand from the base of the Sleeping Bear Dune Climb and Pierce Stocking Scenic Drive Overlook # 9, and hauling it away in a dump truck. The gashes left behind were only partly covered by snow and blowing sand.
“Man, it dawned on me that if Nestlê can make off with tens of thousands of gallons of delicious groundwater from under the feet of Michiganders—and only pay the state a few peanuts for it—then bottle all that water and make millions from idiots who think bottled water is better than tap water … then I could do the same with sand!” Paris III boasted in an exclusive interview with the Glen Arbor Sun.
“It’s all about the marketing, the packaging. If I tell people they’ll be more beautiful, they’ll live longer, with Sleeping Bear sand in their hair, eventually they start to believe it.”
Mr. Paris III announced in a press release this morning that his new product “Sleeping Bear Dunes Beach Sand Makes You Hot!” will go public on the Manhattan Stock Exchange on Monday. He expects share values to top Facebook and Twitter when the opening bell rings.
In other news …
Glen Arbor officials have announced that Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky will be the Grand Marshall in this year’s Fourth of July parade, as part of his victory lap through the western world after his nation withstood and then defeated the invading Russian army.
And the Leelanau County Board of Commissioners have created two new taxpayer-funded agencies to oversee and assist the Leelanau Sheriff’s Department.
Happy April Fools Day!
(Editor’s note: removing sand, or any other natural item, from Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore is illegal. Please don’t it.)
