Pierce Stocking tunnel proposal a joke worthy of Letterman

A copy of this letter was also sent on July 3 to Park Deputy Superintendent Tom Ulrich

Dear editor,

I was flabbergasted when I read about the proposed tunnel at the (Pierce Stocking Scenic Drive) lookout (“Park’s Pierce Stocking Scenic Drive Environmental Assessment available for public review,” June 11 edition). This is the most hare-brained, ridiculous, spendthrift and stupid scheme yet hatched by park employees, and the person who came up with this idiotic scheme should be summarily fired. Spending $900,000 to save $10,000 annual maintenance expenses (in removing sand from the current walkway) will generate a 90-year payback on this taxpayer investment.

Let me take you through a likely “life of the tunnel project” scenario.

2009: The $900,000 tunnel project is approved by the park. The project garners national publicity with a first-place ranking on several “idiotic spending of public money” lists and is ridiculed on the David Letterman show, including a featured “10 reasons to build a 150-foot tunnel in the middle of a sand dune” presentation.

2012: After three years of delay due to environmental reviews and several lawsuits by an outraged local citizenry, construction starts. The outlook is closed for an entire year for safety reasons during construction.

2013: Four months into excavation, a nest of the endangered North American White Worm is discovered, and construction stops.

2014: Construction resumes after a seven-month delay for endangered species review, and a redesign of the tunnel to skirt the White Worm nest. Revised estimate for cost of construction is now $1.4 million. Of course, all of this is duly noted on the Letterman show.

2016: Tunnel construction is completed after several schedule delays, which are blamed on weather and equipment problems. Public access to the overlook is further delayed for two months to allow for vegetation replacement on the excavated areas.

September 15, 2016: A formal dedication ceremony is held, attended by 30 park employees and, of course, a Letterman camera crew. After the ribbon is cut, the public is allowed access to the overlook platform for the first time in over four years. Unfortunately, no “public” is present, so the park employees stage a little self-congratulatory parade to the overlook. One observes how nice the park seems, without the public present.

2017: An article in the Observer notes that various animals used the tunnel as a shelter during the winter, and it reeks of the smell of urine and droppings, in spite of $15,000 spent to clean the tunnel in the spring. Nightly visits by assorted wildlife make morning travel through the tunnel an exercise in minefield crossing, and in spite of daily sweepings by park personnel, the reeking smell persists. Visits to the overlook are now only 20 percent of pre-tunnel levels.

2018: Visitors to the tunnel complain of teenagers loitering and having sex in the tunnel. An interview with several teenagers reveals that sex in the tunnel has become something of a local rite of passage, similar to the “mile high” club. All duly noted on the Letterman show.

2019: The first tunnel robbery is reported. The tunnel has now graduated from the Letterman show to Fox news. Park visitors report fear of using the tunnel, and bypass the dunes overlook stop altogether.

2022: After countless complaints and numerous lawsuits, and continuing adverse national media publicity and ridicule, the National Park Service convenes a special commission to investigate the problem, which has given a black eye to the entire NPS. After a six-month commission review at a cost of $350,000, removal of the tunnel is recommended and a request for funds submitted to congress.

2023: After emergency funding is approved by congress, the tunnel is removed and the area returned to its pre-tunnel condition. Cost of removal: $2.3 million. The current park superintendent, Gomer Peebles, notes that a more effective way of solving the problem of human encroachment on sensitive areas would be to simply ban all humans from the park. This recommendation is put on schedule to be taken up at the next planning session.

The message above is obvious. Just don’t do it.

Yours truly,
Bill Dotterweich