Biking the Crystal River, no seriously!

By Lance Legstrong
Sun extreme sport Correspondent
(Editor’s note: the following tongue-and-cheek article is a jaunt into the ridiculous and should not be interpreted as having any bearing on the real-life controversy over low waver levels in both the Glen Lakes and the Crystal River).

In the perennial visage of Northwest Lower Michigan occasions abound for newfound excitement. The challenge comes in acquiring sufficient time to appreciate all there is to do in this cornucopia of outdoor opportunity. For maximum efficiency, one can find activities that combine several summer exploits.
An annual favorite is the melding of quality family time with the game of hide and seek, into “find Dad in a crowd of 79,000 people at the cherry festival” day.
There is also the weekend long version of this game.
Plainly put, there is a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it. It is with the awareness of stiff competition from ageless favorites such as swimming, canoeing, and being rescued off the sand dunes that I offer yet another activity to occupy your summer days: riverbiking. Do you like biking but not riding in traffic? Do you like exercise but not the sweat? Are you so much on the forefront of new trends that you are already preparing for next year’s handlebar moustache revival? If my experience in retail shoe sales has uncovered one truth, it would be that the chance to enjoy our area’s rivers while obtaining the benefits of bike riding is too tantalizing to let pass.
Almost everyone knows what a river is, and nearly an equal number are familiar with bicycles, so the concept behind riverbiking is simple. Most area residents and seasonal locals have also partaken in a leisurely float down one of our area’s rivers in a canoe or kayak. This is a wonderful activity, but so overdone that the traffic along the Platte or Crystal Rivers often rivals a Friday afternoon commute in Chicago. Riverbiking solves these problems and creates new ones.
What you will need: a bike, get one with nice wide tires and it is preferable if this wheeled watercraft belongs to someone else. Water shoes are also essential as you may get wet. Wear comfortable, yet stylish clothing, because you are a representative for the entire riverbiking community. The most essential element is a helmet. This is not to discourage the average touring cyclist or overprotective mother, but just to show others that riverbiking is an extreme sport, requiring extreme headgear. I feel comfortable saying it is an extreme sport, because I recently found this same adjective on a bottle of milk, our country’s most unpresumptuous drink.
So after strapping your neighbor’s bicycle to the back of your car, head off to your favorite river. The theory of riverbiking is simple: ride your bike down the river. The actual act is more involved. Before entering the river you must set aside all you know to be true of biking and physics. These antiquated notions will only keep you and the bike dull and dry.
You must approach the act as if you have been riverbiking for years. This is required to impress the throng of people who will gather, watch, and assume you were a bit soggy before you got wet.
Of course, if time permits, you could practice in your bathtub or a hotel swimming pool, but the only true way to get the feel for riverbiking is to plunge into the moving water and commence riding. Though it will be slow and you may try to recall who proposed this as fun, you will find it quite possible.
Of the few sanctioned attempts personally undertaken, only limited success was attained. This was not due to the water though, but more so to the frequent logs and generally “unsound” bottom of the river. In fact, river bottom was found to be the number one cause of catastrophic failure. The water will resist you, but keep peddling and you will move forward, at least until you meet Mr. Submerged Cedar. This will end the limited momentum you had built by churning water for 50 feet and send you to the shallow bottom, where you will discover one of the distinct advantages of riverbiking: no nasty scrapes and bruises from falls.
Only a wet helmet and additional chortling from the canoeing onlookers.
After a few failed frolics in unbecoming areas of the river though, you will find a nice spot to show off your skills, regain your pride, and look for your soggy left shoe. You may want to practice entrances and exits as well, which can be devastating if unmastered. I have found myself quickly underwater from a poorly planned plop into an unknown section of seemingly stable riverbed.
I have been petitioned by several intimidating fish and accompanying aquatic things to remind folks that river bottoms are extremely fragile ecosystems which can be easily damaged by things much less invasive than a 2 1⁄2 inch wide rotating tire and the occasional agitated person tearing through the bottom. It is best to find spots that are either void of all biological activity (unlikely), or that have a lot of foot traffic anyway — such as the entrances and exits used by those annoying kayakers and canoers who passively enjoy the river. Please write your congresspersons and obtain use easements from local fish before attempting any of this subterfuge. Tread with care.
Depth. Although originally thought of as a sport limited to shallow water, the challenge various water depths bring to the extreme sport lead to interesting combinations, such as shallow rocky, deep sand, underwater muddy, and crouching-through-the-culvert.
Contrary to pre-river conjecture, deep water actually provides interesting benefits. Balance is optional in 4-foot water, a great help as you move slower than the river. Another advantage arrives from being fully submerged; it is almost like having a body air conditioning system, only wetter.
Stemming from this phenomenal activity is a series of similar other biking hybrids, such as lakebiking and treebiking. While the latter is only in its prototype phase (still trying to decide if the tree should be horizontal or the bike vertical), lakebiking can be as productive as riverbiking. The few failed attempts in Lake Michigan have almost eliminated it as a possibility, but many inland lakes have sufficiently rocky bottoms, allowing easy peddling between docks.
Once the next dock is reached, you will have to decide if it is better to forage around the end or to portage, which incidentally finds the bicycle at an enormous advantage to more traditional watercraft. The portage, that cumbersome lurch from water to water that taxes the weekend kayaker is your place to triumph as a riverbiker. Your borrowed bike will quickly regain its landlubber memory and take you quickly over the dry ground, right back to your raucous river ride. Let’s see another rivergoer portage without leaving their canoe. This is only one instance in a litany of riverbiking’s superiority over outdated waterway travel, making this extreme sport a perfect Northern Michigan addition; if only my neighbor quit complaining about a little water in his bike frame.