April Fools’ Day: Trump orders mass deportation of Piping Plover, calls migratory bird “un-American vermin”
Breaking news revealed in group text message that inadvertently included Glen Arbor Sun reporter
From staff reports
The Trump regime plans to carry out a mass deportation of the Piping Plover, an endangered migratory shorebird that nests on the beaches of Sleeping Bear Dunes between early April and mid August before spending the winter along the Gulf of Mexico.
The Glen Arbor Sun learned the news when a reporter was inadvertently added to an unencrypted text message thread between Trump, Vice President JD Vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins.
“I want them gone. Gone from our Beautiful Country!” wrote Trump. “Those birds are Losers. They’re un-American, they’re vermin!”
Trump has reportedly soured on the bird after many unsuccessful attempts to catch one at Mar-a-Lago, his Florida resort, and command it to bow before him and pledge its loyalty. Soon after leaving the White House in 2021, Trump was seen chasing the Piping Plover, trying to catch one with his MAGA baseball cap, before stumbling and falling face first to the ground.
“They’re rapists, they’re thugs. They’re all gangsters,” Trump wrote in the text message thread. “I gave them a chance to show loyalty—after everything Our Great Nation has done to protect them. But they fly around here like parasites. No Thank you’s or anything.”
Rubio responded in the thread that he believed the birds were Cuban Communists and represented a threat to American national security.
Vance posited that the Plover were responsible for generations of abject poverty his family has suffered in Appalachian Ohio and West Virginia.
Hegseth, who apologized that he was nursing a hangover and slow to respond, offered that the Pentagon had a plan to capture the bird and deport them across the “Gulf of America” and leave them in Mexico, “and all other Mexicos south of there.” He proposed that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents set up thousands of volleyball nets throughout the Sleeping Bear Dunes and other national parks to ensnare the Plover. ICE would then roll up the nets and put them in unmarked vans and drive the captured birds to secret detention facilities.
Trump signed off on the plan. His staff then took turns celebrating his brilliance, his strength and his beauty, before wishing him a good day.
Happy April Fool’s Day. Sorry, but this story is not true.
The Glen Arbor Sun, which celebrates 30 years in 2025, is a free community publication supported by local advertisers and subscribers. Thanks for your readership and support.
